Damn... I've left this blog to rot and die.
Don't know why I decided to get back to it.
Guess now that no one is reading my blog anymore, I can actually open up my thoughts and feelings over here without anyone assuming shit or judging me or anything...
26 April 2016.
Marks the day of the end of uni life for me.
Honestly having mixed feelings about this.
Like, damn where do I go from here? What do I do now?
I need a job. I need money. I need to do something with my life on my own now.
Been wanting to join Air Force for quite a while now. My chance to see if I am fit and qualified to be a pilot. Tho we all know that I will eventually be unable to become one. But I wanna try. But this gives me the creeps. Being in the military. Having to wake up at 5am everyday (yes I need my sleep), not showering, being at the higher up's beck and call. These things scare me. Honestly they do. But what other choice do I have besides this path if I want to really chase my dreams? Commercial training costs money. LOTSA MONEY. I can't afford that. Guess now all I can do is actually prepare myself physically and mentally and hope for the best.
These few years have been such a roller coaster ride of experiences. Family wise, school wise, friends wise, relationship wise, hobby wise.
University was such an eye opener for me.
Realizing that people only care for themselves, seeing all these two-faced bitches, experiencing the drama that I thought only happened in secondary school...
On a brighter note, Muzeka was the best thing that happened to me in Uni.
Playing in a band. Expanding my knowledge on music. Pushing myself and improving myself with the help of my very own committee. Leading the club as a Vice-President.
Soul Extreme... I'm thankful that I worked with people who trust and care about my opinions. I'm grateful for the opportunity that Rahim gave me as a student choreographer at ExpresSIT concert. I pushed myself to do things that I have never done before and I am thankful for these opportunities presented to me.
Studies wise... I wish it could've been better. Always the same case for me huh.
Well... Another thing I have to get off my chest...
I realized I have never gotten over you.
These years, you fill my thoughts here and there. I kept brushing it off.
But one day I just felt overwhelmed by my thoughts of you and the emotions.
Asked her how you were doing and what I should do.
The hard truth that you will never come back and never treat me the same way again.
I've accepted it.
However, she opened my eyes.
That I never properly healed. I kept pushing people away when they asked about you and us. I never wanted to address how I was feeling.
Then that was where I started building those walls.
That was where I was so afraid of commitment, of making myself vulnerable again.
I was selfish. I did not want to go thru the hurt and pain again.
What was I supposed to do... You really were my everything. You still hold a special place in my heart that no matter who comes along, they will never be able to replace you. You were my best friend. You could sense how I feel even when I try to hide my emotions. You tore down those walls. You were the only one I could open up to. And since you've left, I could never do the same things I did again. I changed. I became a worse version of me. Like what she said, I prolly used those girls to distract me of my feelings for you. To just help me get over you. And I don't know if it is true but I do feel sorry for them if I did that.
I know it's too late, and you prolly never wanna have anything to do with me ever again.
But I really do miss you.
And I still love you, T.