I did it.
2:16 AM - Thursday, May 12, 2016
I finally did it.
I finally managed to work up that courage to say the things I've been wanting to say to you after all these years. That felt really good. I don't care if the conversation with you will not last... but it is just so nice to hear from you again.
I was so touched that you went thru that trouble and bothered to ask your friend about job vacancies for me. It might not be much to you but it meant a great deal to me.
I honestly wish that one day, you'd come to me and talk to me.
When you feel like there is no one else you can talk to, I hope I can let you feel that I am and always will be here for you.
Am I hoping for too much... I'm not sure.
But right now, I'm just happy.
I'm happy that you've forgiven me.
I'm happy that you're my friend again.
I'm happy that you're happy with your life.
Anger
3:00 AM - Wednesday, May 4, 2016
The amount of things you have done to hurt me. I remember every single one of them.
Blackmail.
You were in my item. And you knew how important each and every dancer was to me. You took that to your advantage. You threatened me every time things didn't go your way or I didn't agree with you. You threatened to leave the item. I bowed down. I bowed down to your demands. I threw away my pride and ego or whatever that was left. For the sake of the other dancers in my item. But did anyone see what I did? You threatened me almost every day. You fought with me and found problems with me every other day.
Then when you finally decided to give that last threat, I dealt with it.
I showed that no one is indispensable. That I could replace you.
I slowly picked myself up again.
Then you got mad at me. You got mad at yourself. That this time, your plan didn't work.
You couldn't control me on your leash anymore.
I was not your dog. I was no longer your slave.
Threats.
You threatened to harm me. My family. Her.
And you sent suicidal threats as well.
And that was the limit. I guess you were one of the very few people who managed to reach that limit. Should you be honoured? Probably. Should you be disgusted at yourself? Extremely.
You tortured me. You put me through hell.
You broke me further than I already was.
You gave me materialistic things to make up for the wrongs you did.
Compensations.
Then you'd do them all over again.
During trainings, you insulted me. You insulted my choreography. You insulted my formations, my planning, my constant changes.
Everyone saw that I was struggling. They tried to give me strength.
You on the other hand, kept pulling me down.
You kept mocking everything I did.
After everything you've done, I thought I could never bring myself to forgive you.
But then I realized that everyone deserves a second chance. Sometimes a third. Maybe a fourth. Everyone has that redeemable quality in them.
So I decided not to stay mad at you. It was pointless.
Then you started stepping over my head again.
Expecting me to do more than just forgiving you. But to actually accept you back into my life the way it was before. Like as if nothing ever happened. You constantly asked me to go out. You expected me to treat you the way I treated you before. Like royalty.
Am I a joke to you?
You think you've done enough (suffer enough) to make me forgive you entirely and to accept you in my life once more.
I treated you as a backup plan, you say. To be honest, you should even be glad you are in my plans. Yeah I admit that this part is selfish.
But everyone around me thinks I am extremely stupid.
They scold me. They think I must've gone nuts because if you did to them what you did to me, they would've never been able to forgive you. And you'd prolly be away from their lives for good.
And you haven't known me enough to see what I am like.
I don't even care about my plans with my friends. I cancel on them when something happens. But I am always there for them when they need me.
But wait, why am I explaining myself?
You, on the other hand, just want to go out with me to try and brainwash me to thinking that you've changed for the better. But you have not. You haven't changed.
I believe you will one day. But I am sure it will not be anytime soon.
And these aren't even half the things that you've done to me.
But it's all about being the bigger person.
There is no competition in who is bigger. We all have our own opinions.
But in the eyes of everyone else, I can say that they are in my favour.
People can judge for themselves, I do not have to tell them anything.
Maybe you're right. I am childish. I never will stop being that way.
But I know this for sure, that I am true to myself.
And I will never let anybody, including you, change me and break me ever again.
I'm starting to slowly pick myself up again.
From the mess I've become.
Using these time that I have now to myself.
I'm slowly tryna find myself again.
I will become better...
That's a wrap.
12:58 AM - Thursday, April 28, 2016
Damn... I've left this blog to rot and die.
Don't know why I decided to get back to it.
Guess now that no one is reading my blog anymore, I can actually open up my thoughts and feelings over here without anyone assuming shit or judging me or anything...
26 April 2016.
Marks the day of the end of uni life for me.
Honestly having mixed feelings about this.
Like, damn where do I go from here? What do I do now?
I need a job. I need money. I need to do something with my life on my own now.
Been wanting to join Air Force for quite a while now. My chance to see if I am fit and qualified to be a pilot. Tho we all know that I will eventually be unable to become one. But I wanna try. But this gives me the creeps. Being in the military. Having to wake up at 5am everyday (yes I need my sleep), not showering, being at the higher up's beck and call. These things scare me. Honestly they do. But what other choice do I have besides this path if I want to really chase my dreams? Commercial training costs money. LOTSA MONEY. I can't afford that. Guess now all I can do is actually prepare myself physically and mentally and hope for the best.
These few years have been such a roller coaster ride of experiences. Family wise, school wise, friends wise, relationship wise, hobby wise.
University was such an eye opener for me.
Realizing that people only care for themselves, seeing all these two-faced bitches, experiencing the drama that I thought only happened in secondary school...
On a brighter note, Muzeka was the best thing that happened to me in Uni.
Playing in a band. Expanding my knowledge on music. Pushing myself and improving myself with the help of my very own committee. Leading the club as a Vice-President.
Soul Extreme... I'm thankful that I worked with people who trust and care about my opinions. I'm grateful for the opportunity that Rahim gave me as a student choreographer at ExpresSIT concert. I pushed myself to do things that I have never done before and I am thankful for these opportunities presented to me.
Studies wise... I wish it could've been better. Always the same case for me huh.
Well... Another thing I have to get off my chest...
I realized I have never gotten over you.
These years, you fill my thoughts here and there. I kept brushing it off.
But one day I just felt overwhelmed by my thoughts of you and the emotions.
Asked her how you were doing and what I should do.
The hard truth that you will never come back and never treat me the same way again.
I've accepted it.
However, she opened my eyes.
That I never properly healed. I kept pushing people away when they asked about you and us. I never wanted to address how I was feeling.
Then that was where I started building those walls.
That was where I was so afraid of commitment, of making myself vulnerable again.
I was selfish. I did not want to go thru the hurt and pain again.
What was I supposed to do... You really were my everything. You still hold a special place in my heart that no matter who comes along, they will never be able to replace you. You were my best friend. You could sense how I feel even when I try to hide my emotions. You tore down those walls. You were the only one I could open up to. And since you've left, I could never do the same things I did again. I changed. I became a worse version of me. Like what she said, I prolly used those girls to distract me of my feelings for you. To just help me get over you. And I don't know if it is true but I do feel sorry for them if I did that.
I know it's too late, and you prolly never wanna have anything to do with me ever again.
But I really do miss you.
And I still love you, T.
